My friend shared some cat faq’s with me.  I thought I’d add my input to these “Facts.” If cursing offends you, skip those words. Or, don’t read this email….because there are many not nice words.

Cats hate the water because their fur does not insulate well when it’s wet. 

That would explain why my cats act like I’m killing them because I give them a bath.  I don’t care if they’re self-cleaning.  Spit is not an acceptable form of clean in my house. Also, it cuts down the number of times I sneeze in a day.

Just like fingerprints, ever cat’s nose pad is different.

I’m going to start nose printing and dusting for nose prints now.  I hope they enjoyed their free ride of breaking things and looking like the innocent one.  Now, I will know.  The nose knows.

The first cat in space was a French cat name Felicette (A.K.A. “Astrocat”), in 1963.  France blasted the cat into outer space.  Electrodes implanted in her brain sent neurological signals back to Earth.  She survived the trip.

Well oo-lala.  Considering mine freak the fuck out when they ride in the car, imagine being the astronaut in charge of that trip.  By the time he got home, he was probably meowing at himself.  I bet he’s a dog person now.

Cats can make over 100 vocal sounds.  Dogs only have 10.

Yes, yes they can.  Mine never shut up.  They have a meow for “Shit! I’m in a car!”, “My automatic feeding trough is half-full. Please, oh please fill it RIGHT NOW!”, “I know you’re doing something important, but I want to put my butt in your face, so I’m letting you know, I’m about to put my butt in your face.” And “Is that breakable? Oooo….yeah…it seems it is.” You get my point. My cats are total assholes.

My dog on the other hand only cares about, playing with me, walking with me, sleeping, eating, alerting me to a leaf blowing, and using the bathroom.

When cats are happy or pleased they squeeze their eyes shut.

I fail to see how this is scientifically ascertainable.  No seriously. My cats’ eyes are shut 90% of the day.  Can we really be sure it’s from being scratched on the head and not because they’ve been awake for an entire, exhausting, minute and need a nap from all the energy they excerpted stretching and yawning?

A cat’s brain is biologically more similar to a human brain than it is to a dog’s.  Both humans and cats have identical regions in their brains that are responsible for emotions.

This explains so much about my cats…and me. We’re all a bunch of basketcases.

A group of cats is called a “clowder.”

Sorry, say that a little clowder.  I couldn’t hear you over the incessant meowing of this group of cats.

Cat’s are North America’s most popular pet. There are 73 million cats compared to 63 million dogs.  Over 30% of North American households have a cat.

I suspect this is because people are lazy and cats are self-cleaning and don’t require walks.  I’m just throwing that out there.  You don’t even have to teach cats tricks.  They are too good for your stupid tricks.  They’re like better than that shit.

Cats sleep 16-18 hours a day.

I’m pretty sure mine sleep 22 hours a day.  They spend 30 minutes pooping, 30 minutes eating, 30 minutes harassing each other and another 30 minutes seeing which one can meow at me the most and climb on me.

When cats are asleep they are still alert to incoming stimuli.  If you poke the tail of a sleeping cat it will respond accordingly.

Yeah, by slicing you open with their razor-sharp claws you moron.  Do you like to be poked while you are sleeping? You deserve it.

A cat can travel at a top speed of approximately 31 mph over a short distance.

This cannot be right.  My cats move slower than a half-dead sloth. Then again, there are those times they suddenly wind up right by my foot.  You know, when they are carrying out their secret plot to kill me and make me spill my human food.  Trust me, these fat cats need more food like a third-world kid needs a fly swatter. They have a FEEDING TROUGH.  Nuff. Said.

A female cat is called a Queen or a Molly.

1)    A queen? Do NOT let my female cats know this. They have big enough egos.

2)    Snicker snicker…I know a girl named Molly

The term “puss” is the root of the principal word for “cat” in the Romanian term pisica and the root of the secondary words in Lithuanian (puz) and Low German puus.  Some scholars suggest that “puss” could be imitative of the hissing sound used to get a cat’s attention.

TLDR.  I skipped to the last part. Those scholars are stupid.

A cat’s hearing is better than a dog’s.  A cat can hear high-frequency sounds up to two octave higher than a human.

I know mine can hear a can open from a mile away.  I also know they can hear me when I tell them to move and they don’t because gawd forbid they get out of my way when I’m walking or doing some kind of chore. I bet they have secret cameras in the house just so when I’m at work they can replay the latest incident of me tripping over one of them.  Note to self, find hidden cat cameras.

Approximately 40,000 people are bitten by cats in the US, annually.

It’s probably b/c some asshole poked them while they were asleep.

A cat can jump five times it’s own height in a single bound.

Not my fat ass cats.  They can barely jump on the bed.  Sometimes they don’t even make it all the way up and they have to climb and wiggle their fat butts up their. I’d help them, but I’m busy laughing at their “FAIL.” Sometimes, they just meow a me until I pick them up and put them on the bed.  Lazy ass cats.

A cat rubs against people, not just to be affectionate but to also mark out it’s territory with the scent glands around it’s face, paws, and butt.

Awesome.  My cats love me so much they wipe their funk on me.  Gross.  I’m going to start farting in their faces and putting their heads in my armpit after I exercise. Let’s see how they like it.  Hey, cat, come here I have a Christmas present for you, yeah smell this! Maybe I should wear a face mask, since they’ll want to scratch my face off.  And some gloves…because those lil’ fuckers bite.

Most cats give birth to a litter of between one and nine kittens.  The largest known litter ever produced was 19 kittens, of which 15 survived.

See octo-mom, you’re not that special.  You’re a cat.

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