A 6 year-old's idea of a snake in the bed
When I was around 5 or 6 years old my parents told me, “if you ever see your bed sheets rise straight up, there’s a snake in the bed. It’ll bite you if you don’t get out of the bed.” I remember thinking, why would there be a snake in my bed but whatever I’ll get out of the bed if there is one. For years, I honestly couldn’t figure out why my parents were telling me about snakes in the bed. We lived in the city. I had never even seen a snake at our house. There were plenty at the lake house. That was all the justification I needed. I thought: If a snake is in the bed, get out. The house doesn’t have snakes so it probably won’t happen there. There are snakes at the lake house. So, if there’s a snake in my bed at the lake house, I should get out of the bed – and run, screaming bloody murder into mom and dad’s room.
Apparently, as I would later find out, by snake my parents meant erect penis. Who the frick tells a 6 year-old to run from a snake and expect them to know it means erect penis? My parents, that’s who. My folks were notorious for being prudes when it came to discussing the facts of life. Specifically, they did everything they could to avoid actually saying any word that referred to any sexual reproduction organ. My mom simply referred to sex as IT.
my mom's idea of a snake in the bed
Their answer, to teaching us about such things, was church and a book (on whatever subject). First and foremost, people who had anything to do with IT, before they were married, immediately began burning in the fiery depths of hell. Second of all, here’s a book on the “mechanics” of the IT and all the confusing and horrible things that can happen if you are weak in spirit and commit the sin of IT.
Seriously, what 6 year-old says, hmmm….mom said snake but she really means erect penis….they must be trying to warn me about the dangerous of erect penises since I am far too young to legitimately/intentionally be in the same bed as an erect penis.
Um, no….For years, whenever the subject of snakes came up, I innocently chimed in with my special bit of knowledge, “AND mom said if your sheets ever rise straight up that means there’s a snake in your bed and you need to get out of the bed as fast as you can so it doesn’t hurt or kill you!” I was SO proud of myself for remembering this important piece of knowledge about snakes.
Why did no one ever clue me in?
I only found out what they really meant when one day I asked my mom why she felt the need to warn us about snakes in the bed. Her reason for the snake story, we were too young to hear the word penis so she just thought we’d think an erect penis poking up the covers was a snake – either way, we’d run from danger.
To this day, if B has morning wood, I totally point at it and laugh while exclaiming “AAAAAAHHHHH there’s a snake in the bed!!!!” He can thank my mom for that.
Perhaps your mom should have just said”you are 6, stay out of grown mens beds”