Yeah, well it doesn’t require me to clean up its pooh

You love your Mac more than me, don’t you? Just admit it. If it would, you’d totally let it sleep next to you. You probably feed it wet food whenever IT wants some.

There’s a snake in the bed

A 6 year-old's idea of a snake in the bed

When I was around 5 or 6 years old my parents told me, “if you ever see your bed sheets rise straight up, there’s a snake in the bed.  It’ll bite you if you don’t get out of the bed.”  I remember thinking, why would there be a snake in my bed but whatever I’ll get out of the bed if there is one.  For years, I honestly couldn’t figure out why my parents were telling me about snakes in the bed.  We lived in the city.  I had never even seen a snake at our house.  There were plenty at the lake house.  That was all the justification I needed.  I thought: If a snake is in the bed, get out.  The house doesn’t have snakes so it probably won’t happen there. There are snakes at the lake house.  So, if there’s a snake in my bed at the lake house, I should get out of the bed – and run, screaming bloody murder into mom and dad’s room.

Apparently, as I would later find out, by snake my parents meant erect penis.  Who the frick tells a 6 year-old to run from a snake and expect them to know it means erect penis?  My parents, that’s who.  My folks were notorious for being prudes when it came to discussing the facts of life.  Specifically, they did everything they could to avoid actually saying any word that referred to any sexual reproduction organ. My mom simply referred to sex as IT.

my mom's idea of a snake in the bed

Their answer, to teaching us about such things, was church and a book (on whatever subject).  First and foremost, people who had anything to do with IT, before they were married, immediately began burning in the fiery depths of hell.  Second of all, here’s a book on the “mechanics” of the IT and all the confusing and horrible things that can happen if you are weak in spirit and commit the sin of IT.

Seriously, what 6 year-old says, hmmm….mom said snake but she really means erect penis….they must be trying to warn me about the dangerous of erect penises since I am far too young to legitimately/intentionally be in the same bed as an erect penis.

Um, no….For years, whenever the subject of snakes came up, I innocently chimed in with my special bit of knowledge, “AND mom said if your sheets ever rise straight up that means there’s a snake in your bed and you need to get out of the bed as fast as you can so it doesn’t hurt or kill you!”  I was SO proud of myself for remembering this important piece of knowledge about snakes.

Why did no one ever clue me in?

I only found out what they really meant when one day I asked my mom why she felt the need to warn us about snakes in the bed.  Her reason for the snake story, we were too young to hear the word penis so she just thought we’d think an erect penis poking up the covers was a snake – either way, we’d run from danger.

To this day, if B has morning wood, I totally point at it and laugh while exclaiming “AAAAAAHHHHH there’s a snake in the bed!!!!” He can thank my mom for that.

Verbal Tourettes

I can’t tell a good story because my husband has verbal tourettes and yells stupid crap and curse words while I’m trying to talk.

So I’m sittin there filling B in on the events of today and reminding him about how, sometime this past summer, my friend and I discovered a co-worker’s dirty lil habit of lying to our boss. B keeps interrupting to finish my sentences. I was all -stop interrupting me with your lame crap that is not even remotely close to what I was going to say- and he still kept interrupting me with lame-oh statements

Ugh….

Here, I’ll show you w/ an example:

Me: *Dogface Mcliesalot’s* statement makes sense as to why she would intentionally not do her job wrong, so then I sent an email to the boss

B interrupts: to tell him that bitch needs to quit lyin or you’ll file a grievance!? F*ck that’s what I’d do! Oh hell no ain’t somebody gonna lie about me!

Me: um no….to tell him that I was aware of a possible reason why the errors, I discovered yesterday, may have been intentionally made and that he might want to know this, since my new information

1). is from a very credible source and

2). I know, from personal experience, it’s not uncommon for *Dogface Mcliesalot* to make false statements, without provocation, to hide her inability to understand or do something.

So the convo goes on for a few more minutes and he keeps on interrupting like a foul-mouthed tourettes kid on test day and I finally just say

You get so pissed when I continually interrupt you and you keep doing that to me.

He replied with, “well, I’m tired of talking about it.”

The fuck?

Um, okay asshole I totally only spent 30 minutes telling you the update and 15 of those minutes where you interrupting me – so this dragging on and boring you to death crap is your fault anyway.

I’m so not talking to that big fathead until he says he’s sorry for being a big fathead. Which is kind of what he wanted in the first place except now the silence will scream “DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING THIS VAJ TONIGHT! IT MIGHT BORE YOU TO DEATH WITH ALL IT’S NOISE! YOU BIG FATHEAD”

Blessed vomit

This weekend, my Sister and I took LC on her first trick or treat! First, we went to the next door neighbor. It was 5:00. They were clearly confused why these two clones were carrying an 8 month old pumpkin around and using a Disney Princesses bag to collect candy. It’s probably b/c

1) 5:00 is early for trick or treating (but she’s 8 months so it’s not that early for her)

And

2) 8 month olds don’t eat candy. Her mama & I do, so it’s all good. It’s like giving to charity except you’re giving candy and we aren’t actually needy.

We made it to another neighbor’s house, who is friends w/ LC’s mama and has a baby LC’s age). I was the completely useless, additional adult hands. We made our way across the street t a group of neighborhood families that were gather their lil gouls & goblins for early trick or treating.

We were all standing there chatting. I was still pretty useless as far as tagging each kid with a glow bracelet. I couldn’t figure out why there wasn’t a male end to insert into a female end. Apparently, there’s this whole extra part. Whatever.

This whole time LC’s Mama was holding LC. She was being so good too! LC, I mean, not LC’s mama. Well, LC’s mama was being good too but that doesn’t really count b/c she’s supposed to behave. Then, LC’s mama had to help with some other kid (see I told you I was not a very good assistant) that wouldn’t sit still for a picture. She handed LC to me while she helped.

LC was all excited to go get candy. Then she threw up all over my hand and her princess candy bag. The poor thing didn’t even get to go to more than 1 house!

It was totally worth getting thrown up on. I am so very blessed to get the opportunity to be such a big part of her life. So many aunts, uncles, and even grandparents don’t get to bond with their newest family member. Be it from emotional separation or physical distants, they miss out on these once in a lifetime moments.

It’s like I couldn’t see or hear anything else but his hair

So, for like at least 45 minutes B was telling me all about some fantasy football shit. I seriously have no idea what he said. I tuned out about 2 words in. Smile & nod. Ugh, I really need to redo his mohawk. That is aaaaaalllll I could focus on. I hope there isn’t a quiz on what he talked about!

Don’t forget to change your clocks!

Mad Lib Pirate Party

Make your own Mad Lib online!

Pirates Mad Libs
Copyright 2007 by Price Stern Sloan.

How To Throw A Pirate Party

If you are looking for a/an lardy way to celebrate your next birthday, how about a pirate-themed costume party? Start by sending invitations in the form of a buried candy map with an X marking the location of your horse. Make a sign for the front door that reads: “Ahoy, heads.” And fill the house with lots of nasty booty – Mom’s silk boogers, satin straws, and fat costume jewelry for starters. As your guests come aboard, tie a bandanna around their tampon, place a/an withered patch over their septum, and give them fake tattoos for their arms and hairs. And remember, when the cake is presented, sing a rousing version of

“Happy Birthday” using your pirate name, like “Happy birthday, dear pizza -face Luke!” Then, and only then, may you cut the chocolate pillow with your wimpy sword.

Make your own!

Mad Libs Official Website » widget.

via Mad Libs Official Website » widget.

I give you the answers to some very important questions

What is Satan’s last name?
Clearly his last name is pussy-asshole. Duh.  Everybody knows he sucks. I suggest being a good Christian and not going to hell.

Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
They leave the room so they can brace themselves for the shock of seeing you naked.  You’re not as hot as you think you are.  Plus, they KNOW your weight.  It’s right there are the chart fatty.  Gawd.  Do your doc a favor and lose some weight.

Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commercials that says “Not available in all states”?
It’s to weed out the stupid people.  Clearly you are stupid and it worked on you.

If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin?
They can have whatever the frick they want.  For Christ’s sake they’re a ZOMBIE.

If, in a baseball game, the batter hits a ball splitting it right down the center with half the ball flying out of the park and the other half being caught, what is the final ruling?
They are, in fact, guilty of using performance enhancing drugs.

If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?
That is a stupid question.  Clearly girls with one leg can’t carry a tray full of food without spilling it.  Well, they could if they had a bionic leg.  But lets be honest, who can afford a bionic leg on what you’d make as an IHOP waitress.

Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
Because they are.  Let’s face it.  I am the best driver EVER.  People should bow down at my bumper and treat me like the awesome driver that I am.

If pro and con are opposites, wouldn’t the opposite of progress be congress?
hee hee totally nailed that question

What’s the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup?
Fancy ketchup is actually naughty ketchup and requires a spanking to come out. Normal ketchup is boring and just lays there.

Can you daydream at night?
Yes!  I do it all the time.  That’s mostly because I don’t sleep, so……take that into consideration when reading my answers.

Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Because ice cream makers are racists.

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don’t lay eggs.
That’s what makes him special enough to be the Easter Bunny.  He DOES lay eggs.  If you don’t believe me, then you don’t believe in God and now you’re going to hell to be with that pussy asshole devil turd.

Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
It depends on where they are attached. 2 butts = 2 seats

How fast do hotcakes sell?
Really frickin’ fast. So fast, you won’t even know they’ve sold out!

What happens to an irresistible force when it hits an immovable object?
It causes a rupture in the time space continuum that creates a blackhole and sucks everything into oblviion.  So….you should probably avoid doing that…

Interpreting Your Tweet on What Your Mom Said

An interpretation of your tweet on what your mom said

Your mom gives advice because either you or her are a dirty whore.  Okay. Fine.  Maybe neither of you is a dirty whore.  It’s still fun to make it sound as though you are dirty whores.

tweet: #mymomsaid guys just want one thing

Lucentabella- your mom is a dirty whore

______________________

tweet: #mymomsaid YOU COULDNT HAVE WAITED.!

Lucentabella – your mom thinks you’re a dirty whore

______________________

tweet:  mymomsaid that i cant go n e ware this weekend or next weekend

Lucentabella:  your mom caught you being a dirty whore

______________________

tweet:   girls only want one thing…u want that?

Lucentabella:  your mom is trying to trick you into admitting you’re a dirty whore

______________________

tweet:  mymomsaid she was proud of me.
Lucentabella- your mom doesn’t know about you being a dirty whore…yet

______________________

tweet: mymomsaid i ruin everything for her.

Lucentabella: Your mom can’t be a dirty whore anymore b/c she has to “take care” of you and keep you from being the dirty whore you are.

______________________

tweet:  mymomsaid don’t wish your life away. Oh how right she was. Truth.

Lucentabella:  Your mom called you out on being a dirty whore and now you regret being that dirty whore.

______________________

tweet:  mymomsaid life is like a box of chocolates.. you never know what you’re gonna get

Lucentabella:  your mom is a simple-minded dirty whore.

______________________

tweet:  mymomsaid God can see everything u do, I gasped I hope he did not see where that stain on my sheet really came from, oh so sticky!

Lucentabella:  your mom wants you to feel guilty about being a dirty whore.

______________________

tweet:  MYMOMSAID I WAS VERY HANDSOME… DONT LET NO #BITCH TAKE ME DOWN…

Lucentabella:  your mom is a blind dirty whore

______________________

tweet:  mymomsaid WHO IS DAT U TALKIN 2 ON DA PHONE CAUSE IT SOUND LIKE A “DYKE”….LOL

Lucentabella: your mom is a bigot that thinks you are a dirty lesbian whore.

______________________

tweet:  mymomsaid neva stress myself ova a girl becuzz theres anotha 1 that will deepy care n love me like no otha lol

Lucentabella:  your mom is giving you an excuse to not feel guilty about being a dirty whore

______________________

tweet:  mymomsaid ima run shit till i die nd when im dead yu shud still b scared cusz ima still haunt ur ass!!

Lucentabella: Your mom is a bad ass dirty whore.

______________________

tweet:  mymomsaid just now that the only two things I’m good for is sayin “it wasn’t me” and “I’m not cleanin that up” lmao. She’s right.

Lucentabella:  Your mom thinks your a lazy, lying dirty whore.

Easy way to win an argument with a jerk (or get fired/punched in the face)

Easy way to win an argument with a jerk (or get fired/punched in the face):

First note, this will only work as a comeback  if you are accused of something. You can interchange the words accusation, judgment, statement, etc…to fit your argument.  It can also be used as a self-defense statement to others who can impose admonition on you (i.e. boss, parent, teacher, etc…).  You would change the word “you” to “her” or “him.” Use this at your own risk.

I find you wholly unqualified to make such an accusation/judgment/statement of me.

• Firstly, your inappropriate manner, in discussing this matter,  indicates a lack of respect for me as a woman/younger individual/elder/man/(whatever you are to the opponent).
• Secondly, such a lack of respect inhibits your ability to have appropriate , reasonable,  or rational responses.
• Finally, having established you are irrational and unreasonable, you are unqualified to make such judgments of me.  Thus your statement is relegated to opinion status and not a fact.

Any subsequent action or consequences I’m subjected to, as a result your statement, are based in unqualified opinion, are unsound, and a violation of my right to (fill in the blank – work in a non-hostile environment, free speech, hold my own opinion, etc).  When you’ve  established:

• through your own actions, the ability to identify and make rational and appropriate judgments on others,
• or, you’ve obtained enough education to be considered an expert in this subject matter,

then you can assume you have to right to subject me to your judgments and any consequences or requests for subsequent actions resulting from such judgements.

Why should this work?  Mostly, you’ll sound smart and well versed.  This can intimidate the hell out of somebody, especially if they are insecure.

Let’s dissect:

The introductory sentence acknowledges their statement and asserts your position of whether or not they should make such statements.

Once you’ve asserted your position, you’ll then need to provide supporting statements.

• The first bullet point, begins your support for your position.  It points out their use of an assumed power of authority to make statements or judgments about you.  It also shows such assumptions or power or authority are not acceptable.  It could even completely distract them from their argument in the first place.
• The second bullet continues to support your position by providing the current situation as an example of their blatant disrespect or hypocrisy.
• The final bullet point uses deductive reasoning to explain, and clarify,  the two previous points establish the opponents disqualification from having their statement seen as sound/reasonable fact to irrational opinion.

The next few sentences declare your sub position;  any consequences suffered by or request of you (the object of the statement) are based on the unsound opinions of an unqualified/non-expert/hypocritical person.  And, any actions or consequences resulting from the statement are not only a violation to your personal rights,  but equally unsound/irrational/hypocritical.

Hopefully, the accuser or statement maker, will be  confused or intimidated and just drop the discussion.  If the person gets mad and rants about your response, then they’re just proving you right about your point on them being irrational or unreasonable.  If you use this response on your superior at work, and they don’t fire you, you are the luckiest person ever.

I have cooties….not those kind…the icky sick crud kind

I feel this kitty directly expresses how I feel today

I have the crud. I blame my boss and my coworker for this.  They totally gave me their cooties.  B says it’s because I kill all the bacteria within a 5 mile radius, so my body freaks out when one little guy gets in.  Whatever.  I feel like crap.  I went to the walk-in doc.  It’s a decent enough clinic for sudden crud attacks.  My regular doctor is all the way in the city.  I just didn’t have it in me to go wait 3 hours.  When I got there, some lady in the waiting smiled at me.  I gave her a mean look.  I probably shouldn’t have, but it was 8 in the morning, pouring down rain outside, and I felt like my lungs were struggling to free themselves of my body.  She shouldn’t take it personally.  When I am sick, I’m an equal opportunity bitch.  B is sweet and gets me stuff when I text requests to him.  Yup.  I’m texting my own husband, even though he’s only one room away.  It hurts to talk.  Feel bad for me.

Randomly, there was cigarette ashes on the floor in my patient room.  WTF?  The doc was all, “huh? are those cigarette ashes?”  I rolled over and mumble something about it looking like that.  Then he was all, “you’re a smoker aren’t you?”  I replied, “not today!”  He laughed and said he would’ve smelled it if I had just smoked in there.  Well, yeah.  Don’t judge me for smoking.  I’m working on quitting and no, I’m not smoking while I have the crud.

meanie nurse

Before I could leave the nurse had to give me a shot.  Swear.To.Gawd – worst shot ever.  Normally I can take a shot like a champ.  Not hers.  Uh-uh.  That women just about made me pass out.  Seriously, I got all tunnel vision-y and light-headed.  All she could say was, “yeah, this one hurts. It’ll get worse before it gets better.”  Then I had to give them some blood.  Fine.  Again, normally I have no problems with this.  Again, the same nurse just about made me pass out.  She SUCKS at needles.  As soon as she started drawing blood my entire arm throbbed.  Then, when she was done, she pressed on my needle mark so hard that I actually buckled, in my seat, from the pain shooting down my arm.  I seriously wanted to punch her in the face at this point.  Again, I’m an equal opportunity bitch.  I told her to stop b/c she was hurting me.  She smarts off with, “well, you’re still bleeding….here you put pressure on it then.”  Gladly. beyotch.  FYI- I did get it to stop bleeding without resorting to physical pain thank you very much miss smarty-mouth nurse.

So, that was my trip to the local country doc-in-the-box.  I snarled at some lady, almost passed out twice, and wanted to punch the nurse.  At least I got a z-pack and some cough syrup.  I’ll be snoozing in no time!

PS:  I have entirely too much work to do to be sitting here in bed.  My workload probably contributed to me succumbing to the crud.  Those that know me in person, know I’ve been putting in long hours at the office on some pretty big projects.  I don’t have to, I’m just sick of those projects and want them off my desk.  The problem is, I’m the only one that knows how to do them and they are massive, like usually you have entire departments or teams doing the work…….not just one person.

PPS: Most of the people I work with couldn’t learn how to do what these projects require if their lives depended on it.  The others that could, are also working solo on major projects that should take more than one person.  Thus, they can’t help either.  And no, we generally can’t help each other b/c said projects require special skills that the others don’t have.  Consider it a sign of the economic times (the 1 person doing what should be a team project thing).  At least I get lots of free food and a shit ton of skill training.  I used it to show them why they should pay $1000 for me to get certified for something that applies to the projects and my job.  So, that’s cool…