You’ll Probably Just Get Confused & Cry

Sometimes Assface makes it really easy to see what an ignorant jerk he really is. I sent him (& others) an email notification about the deadline for compliance with the Reg GG (internet gambling) amendment (effective earlier this year) were pushed back to June 1, 2010. I included Mulva’s statement about us being compliant in blocking illegal internet gambling transactions (and how we do that). He replied (to all) with:

“Do we BLOCK or wait ut the extended deadline?”

Me (reply all): To block is fine. This is just an extension of the deadline to be in compliance with Reg GG amendments effective earlier this year. The original deadline was 12/1/2009. Mulva was able to achieve compliance by this date. So we are good to go.

Assface (reply all): I’m good either way.

Wtf moron?!?!? If by good you mean completely confused by what I just read, then yes you probably are “good” either way.

I shall clarify:

1st) No, you complete buffoon, we will not be unblocking such transactions so we can stretch their activity to the last possible day.

2nd) Seriously? Do you even know how to read? Gawd I hate you.

3rd) In this case, the deadline to be in compliance with something is not the same as the effective date. Leave the thinking stuff to those of us with more than one drunk brain cell.

4) Go sit in your little corner & keep to yourself while the big kids play. You clearly don’t have the same concept of industry knowledge as the rest of us. We might use big words and thatll just make you cry from confusion. Honestly, you won’t understand & we don’t have time to explain.

I’m just gonna’ see where you go with this….

Earlier today, a new coworker asked me about one of the tattoos I have on my foot. It’s a crab, in honor of my late father. Here’s how that convo went:

Coworker: tell me about the lobster tattoo on your foot.

Me: oh, it’s a crab. It’s in memory of my father since he retired to the beach and we joked about him being a crab and a beach bum. He wasn’t a bum really, but he lived on the beach.

Coworker: oh how neat! That’s like this bunny I used to have that turned out to be evil so my parents and I took it to the woods and set it free by a creek.

Me: like the evil Monty Python bunny?

Coworker: oh my gawd yes! Anyway, for the longest time I firmly believed my bunny was happily living by that stream. That’s so cute that they’re both living happy little lives where we put them!

Me: uh…..I didn’t have a pet crab. The tattoo is in memory of my dad who died earlier this year.

Coworker: OHMYGAWD I’m so embarrassed. I wondered why you were looking at me with this confused look! Why didn’t you stop me?!?!

Me: I wanted to see where you were going with this.

Anyways, I’m pretty sure she’s gonna’ run away from me every time she sees me until she isn’t embarrassed anymore. I found it all rather entertaining.

Look What I Can Do!

If you know me, then you know I’ve dabbled in just about every kind of arts and crafts hobby. My mom and Granny Nora are/were skilled crafters. They poured their love into every paint stroke, thread stitch, and ribbon. I had homemade clothes, jewelry, dolls and more. Their passion exposed me to many beautiful ways to express myself. I can remember watching their hands as they worked on their next masterpiece. Their hands danced like ballerinas. Each stitch, needle turn, and brush movement flowed with grace as they made their artwork. It was (and still is) mesmerizing.

This weekend I made a necklace and earrings (pictured). To create this piece I used an 18inch chain (silver). I split the chain at varying intervals. I connected the chain links to flat beads and small round beads. For simplicity, I stuck to two main colors (brown & blue) and one accent color (orange). The use of diamond-shape flat beads provides a modern twist to the look. Other materials used include small round jump rings, pounded flat silver circles, silver eyepins & headpins, round nose & flat nose jewelry pliers, and small wire (jewelry) cutters.

Once you’ve selected your beads and chain, lay the pieces out as though it is already connected. Move the beads and chain around until you like their positions. Use the eyepins to create your bead sequences. Attach jump rings to the pounded silver circles (should have 2 hole opposite each other. Beginning at the end of the first chain section, work your way around the necklace to attach the chain to the bead sections. Keep the bead sequences simple for a clean/sophisticated look.

To make the earrings, attach a section of the chain to the earring post. Use jump rings to connect a pounded silver circle piece to the chain and your bead sequence. Use a headpin to create the bead sequence.

Beginning to end, this should take about an hour.

I’m off to study and knit!

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FYI

You should probably not flat iron your eyes.

Yeah, well it doesn’t require me to clean up its pooh

You love your Mac more than me, don’t you? Just admit it. If it would, you’d totally let it sleep next to you. You probably feed it wet food whenever IT wants some.

There’s a snake in the bed

A 6 year-old's idea of a snake in the bed

When I was around 5 or 6 years old my parents told me, “if you ever see your bed sheets rise straight up, there’s a snake in the bed.  It’ll bite you if you don’t get out of the bed.”  I remember thinking, why would there be a snake in my bed but whatever I’ll get out of the bed if there is one.  For years, I honestly couldn’t figure out why my parents were telling me about snakes in the bed.  We lived in the city.  I had never even seen a snake at our house.  There were plenty at the lake house.  That was all the justification I needed.  I thought: If a snake is in the bed, get out.  The house doesn’t have snakes so it probably won’t happen there. There are snakes at the lake house.  So, if there’s a snake in my bed at the lake house, I should get out of the bed – and run, screaming bloody murder into mom and dad’s room.

Apparently, as I would later find out, by snake my parents meant erect penis.  Who the frick tells a 6 year-old to run from a snake and expect them to know it means erect penis?  My parents, that’s who.  My folks were notorious for being prudes when it came to discussing the facts of life.  Specifically, they did everything they could to avoid actually saying any word that referred to any sexual reproduction organ. My mom simply referred to sex as IT.

my mom's idea of a snake in the bed

Their answer, to teaching us about such things, was church and a book (on whatever subject).  First and foremost, people who had anything to do with IT, before they were married, immediately began burning in the fiery depths of hell.  Second of all, here’s a book on the “mechanics” of the IT and all the confusing and horrible things that can happen if you are weak in spirit and commit the sin of IT.

Seriously, what 6 year-old says, hmmm….mom said snake but she really means erect penis….they must be trying to warn me about the dangerous of erect penises since I am far too young to legitimately/intentionally be in the same bed as an erect penis.

Um, no….For years, whenever the subject of snakes came up, I innocently chimed in with my special bit of knowledge, “AND mom said if your sheets ever rise straight up that means there’s a snake in your bed and you need to get out of the bed as fast as you can so it doesn’t hurt or kill you!”  I was SO proud of myself for remembering this important piece of knowledge about snakes.

Why did no one ever clue me in?

I only found out what they really meant when one day I asked my mom why she felt the need to warn us about snakes in the bed.  Her reason for the snake story, we were too young to hear the word penis so she just thought we’d think an erect penis poking up the covers was a snake – either way, we’d run from danger.

To this day, if B has morning wood, I totally point at it and laugh while exclaiming “AAAAAAHHHHH there’s a snake in the bed!!!!” He can thank my mom for that.

Verbal Tourettes

I can’t tell a good story because my husband has verbal tourettes and yells stupid crap and curse words while I’m trying to talk.

So I’m sittin there filling B in on the events of today and reminding him about how, sometime this past summer, my friend and I discovered a co-worker’s dirty lil habit of lying to our boss. B keeps interrupting to finish my sentences. I was all -stop interrupting me with your lame crap that is not even remotely close to what I was going to say- and he still kept interrupting me with lame-oh statements

Ugh….

Here, I’ll show you w/ an example:

Me: *Dogface Mcliesalot’s* statement makes sense as to why she would intentionally not do her job wrong, so then I sent an email to the boss

B interrupts: to tell him that bitch needs to quit lyin or you’ll file a grievance!? F*ck that’s what I’d do! Oh hell no ain’t somebody gonna lie about me!

Me: um no….to tell him that I was aware of a possible reason why the errors, I discovered yesterday, may have been intentionally made and that he might want to know this, since my new information

1). is from a very credible source and

2). I know, from personal experience, it’s not uncommon for *Dogface Mcliesalot* to make false statements, without provocation, to hide her inability to understand or do something.

So the convo goes on for a few more minutes and he keeps on interrupting like a foul-mouthed tourettes kid on test day and I finally just say

You get so pissed when I continually interrupt you and you keep doing that to me.

He replied with, “well, I’m tired of talking about it.”

The fuck?

Um, okay asshole I totally only spent 30 minutes telling you the update and 15 of those minutes where you interrupting me – so this dragging on and boring you to death crap is your fault anyway.

I’m so not talking to that big fathead until he says he’s sorry for being a big fathead. Which is kind of what he wanted in the first place except now the silence will scream “DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING THIS VAJ TONIGHT! IT MIGHT BORE YOU TO DEATH WITH ALL IT’S NOISE! YOU BIG FATHEAD”

Blessed vomit

This weekend, my Sister and I took LC on her first trick or treat! First, we went to the next door neighbor. It was 5:00. They were clearly confused why these two clones were carrying an 8 month old pumpkin around and using a Disney Princesses bag to collect candy. It’s probably b/c

1) 5:00 is early for trick or treating (but she’s 8 months so it’s not that early for her)

And

2) 8 month olds don’t eat candy. Her mama & I do, so it’s all good. It’s like giving to charity except you’re giving candy and we aren’t actually needy.

We made it to another neighbor’s house, who is friends w/ LC’s mama and has a baby LC’s age). I was the completely useless, additional adult hands. We made our way across the street t a group of neighborhood families that were gather their lil gouls & goblins for early trick or treating.

We were all standing there chatting. I was still pretty useless as far as tagging each kid with a glow bracelet. I couldn’t figure out why there wasn’t a male end to insert into a female end. Apparently, there’s this whole extra part. Whatever.

This whole time LC’s Mama was holding LC. She was being so good too! LC, I mean, not LC’s mama. Well, LC’s mama was being good too but that doesn’t really count b/c she’s supposed to behave. Then, LC’s mama had to help with some other kid (see I told you I was not a very good assistant) that wouldn’t sit still for a picture. She handed LC to me while she helped.

LC was all excited to go get candy. Then she threw up all over my hand and her princess candy bag. The poor thing didn’t even get to go to more than 1 house!

It was totally worth getting thrown up on. I am so very blessed to get the opportunity to be such a big part of her life. So many aunts, uncles, and even grandparents don’t get to bond with their newest family member. Be it from emotional separation or physical distants, they miss out on these once in a lifetime moments.

It’s like I couldn’t see or hear anything else but his hair

So, for like at least 45 minutes B was telling me all about some fantasy football shit. I seriously have no idea what he said. I tuned out about 2 words in. Smile & nod. Ugh, I really need to redo his mohawk. That is aaaaaalllll I could focus on. I hope there isn’t a quiz on what he talked about!

Don’t forget to change your clocks!

Mad Lib Pirate Party

Make your own Mad Lib online!

Pirates Mad Libs
Copyright 2007 by Price Stern Sloan.

How To Throw A Pirate Party

If you are looking for a/an lardy way to celebrate your next birthday, how about a pirate-themed costume party? Start by sending invitations in the form of a buried candy map with an X marking the location of your horse. Make a sign for the front door that reads: “Ahoy, heads.” And fill the house with lots of nasty booty – Mom’s silk boogers, satin straws, and fat costume jewelry for starters. As your guests come aboard, tie a bandanna around their tampon, place a/an withered patch over their septum, and give them fake tattoos for their arms and hairs. And remember, when the cake is presented, sing a rousing version of

“Happy Birthday” using your pirate name, like “Happy birthday, dear pizza -face Luke!” Then, and only then, may you cut the chocolate pillow with your wimpy sword.

Make your own!

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